Reality || 20090130
I realised I haven't blogged for quite a long while. Today, I was originally thinking of posting about my CNY etc. However, I decided to change my mind after today's heavy and depressing, yet thought-provoking load of tutorials. Most of these tutorials made me reflected and thought of a lot of things. Of course, some of which I really didn't want to hear... I also didn't want to blog any rants and sad things here but, oh well, I have nothing else to blog (already forgotten about the CNY post). Let me first apologise to my readers.

"Is there a right to die?" That was one of the questions, in Dr Red's slide, that struck me hard in my mind. My first answer was definitely a yes. I considered this question in the sense of medical condition (as found in his slides) but never in the sense of suicide. I wasn't sure about the rest, why there wasn't others who said yes: probably my answer was more so affected by the experiences that I had. I would say I prefer to die rather than suffer so much and then die in the end (there isn't any living option already). But I guess, some might say as long as you are living, there is still hope. Maybe I'm not as hopeful and maybe I'm not as strong-hearted than I think I am or other people think I am.

I really respect those friends that I know who managed to survive through the ordeals of seemingly at the brink of death. A lot of times when I could visit them in the ICU, I was rather taken aback by the amount of medical equipment sustaining their life. Those ventilators, feeding tubes, IV plugs all stuck on them. I sometimes feel ashamed of myself for being so scared of seeing these machines and even going into the septic hospital. I have that fear of seeing my friends (or rather myself) in such a condition, and yet these friends still have even that slightest smile/politeness when seeing people visiting him. Some of them were even at the point where their breathing was totally dependent on machine, but still carried on living willfully (without considering any form of giving up) and then got pulled back to earth. Another already had one dysfunctional lung at a point in time but still am playfully engaged in our new soccer sport. He even said he wanted to be able to manuever about himself when he was pushed around then. These are amazing people, I tell you.

But maybe for me, I'm just having a different consideration altogether. I don't feel that I should burden anyone anymore when I have the choice to no longer be here (provided I fulfilled my own mission why I'm here on earth). I actually believe that if, at a point in time, you can no longer function independently (be it function for small little things, such as picking up a coin, or big things, such as communicating), it means that you have come to the end of life. That is the concept behind ageing. Why do people age? And why are the elderly more acceptant (or whatever) of death? Ageing puts you to slowly degenerate and become less and less functional. At some point in time, an elderly may well feel that he/she is no longer able to function normally/independently as a human and he/she may then accept dying already. Once you no longer am able to function as a human/individual, it means your time on Earth is up. You can no longer do much contribution or have fulfilled your purpose in life then (thus I don't support suicide as it is done when you haven't even fulfill your purpose).

I guess it is with DMD that I really recognised so many things I've mentioned just now. Is it a blessing or curse? Well, it's both.

I think with DMD, we experience the process of "ageing" earlier (sorry for any falseful stereotypes, that any of you disagree, I have here). I guess we should be the ones who understand elderly persons the most. Haha... We aged much faster (but hopefully we also mature faster in our thinking. LOL). Ageing here refers to having the degenerative biological and physiological components. At the age of 10, we are already and wheelchair and then at age of 20+ or younger, we are experiencing some heart and lung problems. That's much faster ageing right? LOL.

This brings me back to the point where I'll start worrying and panicking about my speech abilities. I think it's more prominent for those who haven't hear me speak for a long time already. Some time back when I was doing one of the open house events' debriefing, I had a group that was totally unclear about what I'm speaking about. I could see (they didn't feedback explicitly to me though) from the puzzled faces and the "huh" sounds that they gave. that they really couldn't make out what I'm saying. I felt really discouraged then (and had the idea of ending my shift earlier). Not very long ago, I still had the ambitions of becoming a motivational speaker and/or counselor. But now, I guess this ambition is slowly shattering away. It's so... Well, wow, just a few years back (in primary school), I had this dream of becoming a scientist/physicist but I changed it when I realised it was rather not possible (I hate the word impossible) for me to carry out experiments and research. This is reality, welcome back to the title!

Okay, but once again, I am here to give merits to one (or rather two) of my friends who are strong-willed and courageous. Many a times I know and see that they are trying hard to say out things when they know others can't hear clearly what they're saying. I really like their spirit of still willing and wanting to talk and chat (just like everyone else is doing) when their speech is partially impaired by the weakening facial muscles (or rather muscles involved in speech production). I always feel kind of guilty when I can't make out what they say even though I am trying hard to do so. It's sometimes quite frustrating to tell someone things but then decided not to after a few failed attempts. I see it so many times for one of my friends (so I have to apologise that I couldn't hear clearly what you say, here again). But really, none of your should give up chatting/conversing/teaching even though not many can hear what is said. And, neither should I, I guess. I just hope it'll stop there (like it will =.=) and I can continue chatting with my friends and singing non-Jay-Chou style (sorry to offend Jay fans here; I also like his songs, okay?).

I guess I talked too much in this post. I probably should have kept my fingers shut tight. LOL. Sadly, I'm those kind of person that likes to spill my own beans (well, not totally) and blog my heart out.

People who are visiting this blog, please tag. Don't make me feel so depressed with nobody here... Anyway, who is Anon? Please state your name. Thanks. Haha... Anthony, I'm sorry I kept forgeting to link you (I'll do it when I'm a little bit more free).

Ambitions for 2009: 9 Things I Want to Do || 20081231

Well, here's my new year resolution:

1) Get GPA of 4.0 (or 3.9+) for one semester.
Yes, I am rather serious about this one. I think I did better start setting targets for my academic results already, since things are going downhill...

2) Go for my gaming ambitions
Well, this point serves as a contradiction for the above one. LOL. However, I seriously (too) hope to do something in gaming. It is something I'm passionate about (for I have made up my mind I just can't get rid of that gaming habit; so I shall use it to my advantage instead). So be it going for competitions or doing workshops for gaming, I will do something in 2009 (while my fingers still permit me to type and game fast).

3) Go record my album
Another big ambition of mine. Well since I know people who can help me with recording an album, why not do it and not waste that network? I will do it in 2009 (while my voice and lungs still permit me to do it). For now, I have to start composing more songs; 2 songs ain't enough.

4) Give gifts to people during festives
I think it's time for me to start giving gifts to people for festives (e.g. Christmas). I haven't been doing so other than for birthdays. Giving is truly a gift to mankind...

5) Read books regularly again
I haven't been reading regularly for a long time (since I graduated from Secondary School).

6) Read the Bible more often

7) Start looking for University/planning for life after Polytechnic
I'm not joking too... I hope to become more serious and spend time more wisely (other than gaming. LOL)

8) Create a sharing/counselling forum
This will be fun. It will be much broader than the current failed Touching Lives forum which I will close down. I hope to include events, a radiocast (trying it out) and many more things in to the forum.

9) -Still in the midst of organising it in my mind-

Praises in 2008: 8 Good Things People Said About Me || 20081224

Alas, it's now left with 5 more days to the new year of 2009. I shall carry on the tradition that I started last year and count it down through blogging about things. Well, I decided to be a little thick skin this year by saying good about myself to end off this year. I haven't been doing very well this year and I hope that I can encourage myself by giving a little deposit to my self-esteem bank. So here it is (not in rank order):

1) BK always has a smile on his face; cheerful - Quoted from Mr Ram (MaxiCab driver)
Well, I couldn't believe it when he mentioned this to another driver. I really thought I had lost this a long while ago. I really wasn't as optimistic and cheerful as before, but yet people still see me still as cheerful.

2) BK's smile is so nice - Quoted from Janice (TEACH ME V/C)
Thank you for such a compliment. LOL. At least now I know that even though with an ugly face, I still have a wonderful smile to counterbalance.

3) BK's singing is quite good - Quoted from Raymond, SparkZ MG, Janice, YET
Well, I often don't like to sing to people I don't know as I really think my singing isn't good at all. Yet, I often want to compose songs (and write music). I guess I had a chance to showcase my own song during the TEACH ME Special Awards Day. It was wonderful, especially with Raymond's guitar. Thanks, Raymond. I guess even with my physical limitation of not having the lung capacity to project my voice and last long in singing, I'm still able to sing (as long as I know my limits).

4) BK has good musical feel - Quoted from Mr Philip (Philbeat Studios)
And, from my great SparkZ MG instructor (who knows all kinds of instruments and composes great music): he said that my music improvision is good as I can play my harmonica well along with the music on the spot (with only knowledge of the key; without scores). Thank you.

5) ... I shall continue on when I thought of more...

But That's Life || 20081210

Someone told me that the posts in my blog sounded happy in front and then sad at the back. I'm not sure about what the general readers feel though, but I guess, I feel so too. But I guess that's still life. Life is not as easy as walking through the park: you don't see events go past you, instead, you participate in it! It doesn't mean that when a day starts good, it ends good (BUT the opposite holds true).

Still, I'm hoping to not defeat the purpose (and even the title) of this blog. I still want to write that love story for thee, my life. I shall try to post light-hearted entries more (even though I'm quite lazy at blogging).

"Love others as much as you love your life." Boon Keng (2008)

Someday the Dream will End || 20081126

Somebody asked me why do I like FFX so much? Well, I liked the game because of three reasons: the storyline, the original soundtrack (OST) and the morals (that I somehow find and learn from the game myself). The storyline had really left a great impression in my mind even though I played it six or seven years ago (disclaimer: FFX-2 sucks totally in my opinion). It is after playing that game that kept me awaiting for new Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts sequels. And definitely there was much things to learn from the game: fighting strongly for your cause, teamwork, friendships, treasuring your time and many more... Some people may find it stupid how I manage to learn things from good-for-nothing games; but it's the truth that I learn much from games.

Lastly, the music is what I love in the game. I think almost all the songs in the OST is what I like, except for some of the theme songs for the characters. My top three loved songs in FFX is Suteki Da Ne, To Zarnakand and Someday the Dream will End. And that is probably the reason why I put my post title as the third song. Sometimes I do think and take that life is pretty much like a dream. They are quite similar in a sense that life feels very real (or is real, in fact) but yet will eventually come to an end (just like a dream). The phrase "someday the dream will end" have both negative and positive connotations as I always like to interpret. Sometimes I would take this phrase positively which is to feel that life is not unlimited and we have to treasure this dream/life at every frame/moment. However, if I am not feeling low and down, I would probably take this phrase as saying that life and the sorrows I face will eventually end; I will no longer have to live this false dream anymore...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My group went to CCF this morning and we were very glad that the social worker was really helpful. I myself think I have been given a deeper insight into the challenges of children with cancer. My sister used to be a volunteer there but I never opened my mouth to ask about her experiences before: I guess it's time to ask her about it now... Another thing that came into my mind was why the social worker placed an emphasis that the kids faced ostracism because of their hair loss (due to chemotherapy). I was wondering is looks really that important to the society now? In fact, I guess looks seem to have always been an important factor in the past society (look at the perfectionist Greeks for an example). Doesn't anyone underweigh the looks and outweigh the character instead? Doesn't anyone care for or love the person's heart (and mind) much more than looks? I personally don't feel looks are all that more important because I myself am average-looking (or even worse). And I'm still pondering till now...

"Someday, this dream will end..." FFX

E-learning Week || 20081120

Today was my I&E sales and I can say that it wasn't good at all. The sales was barely enough to cover a third of our expenditure. There were some hiccups that came out there and then. And I came to learn of the inconvenient truth (LOL); the truth that got our team shorthanded (making our strength count down to 4) and suffering losses (both financially and tangibly) even before our official sales started. We were short of clay miniatures to sell (which explains why we had to continue making them even though we had already started our sales). But I guess that's life: you meet with all kinds of people everyday and you learn to face them (and the good and bad they bring along). C'est la vie!

Well, at least I'm glad that this week isn't all bad. I managed to get my long awaited Need for Speed Undercover on the first day of release! Cool! It was as good as Need for Speed Most Wanted (but I still love Carbon most) and way better than the sucky Prostreet. And I'm proud to say I'm quite pro at playing this game: I completed 60% of the whole career mode in just a day! Er huh, beat that! The game's graphics are pretty good but I seriously hate the motion blur effect (I can't savour the beautiful scenery churned out by my Radeon HD 4850 when I'm zooming around at 200+ kph). Currently I'm riding an Audi TT but am saving up for a Nissan GTR or BMW M6 (and ultimately a Murcielago, SLR, F1 or Veyron). I think I need to upgrade to the GTR or M6 first, even though I am left with 100k more to my ultimates, as it's hard to stay on top now; since the Audi was the second car I received after my Lotus Elise (haven't got to use my third car, Evo X yet). I guess I'm not making sense to any non-hardcore car or NFS fans anymore. I shall stop this here.

And this Saturday, I do hope to learn things and see miracles (though I have no faith yet that they are possible for myself) when I go to the Asia Conference to attend Benny Hinn's session. I was told that he is a world-renowned healing evangelist so I'm eager to see him in action. I haven't been able to attend service for quite a while so definitely I hope to get back soon too.

But sadly life isn't all flowers and butterflies (like when I got to play my NFS) for the whole of this e-learning week. I seriously hate such short weeks of holidays (for me). Why wouldn't the school just finish the damn lessons and give us a longer break? Sigh... The whole was wasted like this (no motivation to do any work). Holidays are so going to kill me with lack of motivation and inspiration.

Well, I seemed to have gotten accustomed to whatever sadness brought into my life by either myself or others. It's like almost everyday (most of the days to be politcally correct) is inconsolable sadness. It's probably because I got so tired of it and don't find it worth shedding tears anymore (though I still strangely do on rare ocassions and while watching a few movies) that I shut myself off from them at times. Needless to say, I'm still learning; whether this self shutting off is good or bad is unkown. I will go on...

"Life is not purposeless until you leave this world." Boon Keng (2008)

Scorpio || 20081116

the Writer

Put a pic of yourself here =D
write about yourself here.
who you are and maybe WHAT you are
. HAHAH.

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the Readers

Amanda [TEACH ME]
Anthony [MDAS]
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November 2008
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