Reality || 20090130
I realised I haven't blogged for quite a long while. Today, I was originally thinking of posting about my
CNY etc. However, I decided to change my mind after today's heavy and depressing, yet thought-provoking load of tutorials. Most of these tutorials made me reflected and thought of a lot of things. Of course, some of which I really didn't want to hear... I also didn't want to blog any rants and sad things here but, oh well, I have nothing else to blog (already forgotten about the
CNY post). Let me first apologise to my readers.
"Is there a right to die?" That was one of the questions, in Dr Red's slide, that struck me hard in my mind. My first answer was definitely a yes. I considered this question in the sense of medical condition (as found in his slides) but never in the sense of suicide. I wasn't sure about the rest, why there wasn't others who said yes: probably my answer was more so affected by the experiences that I had. I would say I prefer to die rather than suffer so much and then die in the end (there isn't any living option already). But I guess, some might say as long as you are living, there is still hope. Maybe I'm not as hopeful and maybe I'm not as strong-hearted than I think I am or other people think I am.
I really respect those friends that I know who managed to survive through the ordeals of seemingly at the brink of death. A lot of times when I could visit them in the ICU, I was rather taken aback by the amount of medical equipment sustaining their life. Those ventilators, feeding tubes, IV plugs all stuck on them. I sometimes feel ashamed of myself for being so scared of seeing these machines and even going into the septic hospital. I have that fear of seeing my friends (or rather myself) in such a condition, and yet these friends still have even that slightest smile/politeness when seeing people visiting him. Some of them were even at the point where their breathing was totally dependent on machine, but still carried on living willfully (without considering any form of giving up) and then got pulled back to earth. Another already had one dysfunctional lung at a point in time but still am playfully engaged in our new soccer sport. He even said he wanted to be able to
manuever about himself when he was pushed around then. These are amazing people, I tell you.
But maybe for me, I'm just having a different consideration altogether. I don't feel that I should burden anyone anymore when I have the choice to no longer be here (provided I fulfilled my own mission why I'm here on earth). I actually believe that if, at a point in time, you can no longer function independently (be it function for small little things, such as picking up a coin, or big things, such as communicating), it means that you have come to the end of life. That is the concept behind ageing. Why do people age? And why are the elderly more
acceptant (or whatever) of death? Ageing puts you to slowly degenerate and become less and less functional. At some point in time, an elderly may well feel that he/she is no longer able to function normally/independently as a human and he/she may then accept dying already. Once you no longer am able to function as a human/individual, it means your time on Earth is up. You can no longer do much contribution or have fulfilled your purpose in life then (thus I don't support suicide as it is done when you haven't even fulfill your purpose).
I guess it is with DMD that I really recognised so many things I've mentioned just now. Is it a blessing or curse? Well, it's both.
I think with DMD, we experience the process of "ageing" earlier (sorry for any falseful stereotypes, that any of you disagree, I have here). I guess we should be the ones who understand elderly persons the most. Haha... We aged much faster (but hopefully we also mature faster in our thinking. LOL). Ageing here refers to having the degenerative biological and physiological components. At the age of 10, we are already and wheelchair and then at age of 20+ or younger, we are experiencing some heart and lung problems. That's much faster ageing right? LOL.
This brings me back to the point where I'll start worrying and panicking about my speech abilities. I think it's more prominent for those who haven't hear me speak for a long time already. Some time back when I was doing one of the open house events' debriefing, I had a group that was totally unclear about what I'm speaking about. I could see (they didn't feedback explicitly to me though) from the puzzled faces and the "huh" sounds that they gave. that they really couldn't make out what I'm saying. I felt really discouraged then (and had the idea of ending my shift earlier). Not very long ago, I still had the ambitions of becoming a motivational speaker and/or counselor. But now, I guess this ambition is slowly shattering away. It's so... Well, wow, just a few years back (in primary school), I had this dream of becoming a scientist/physicist but I changed it when I realised it was rather not possible (I hate the word impossible) for me to carry out experiments and research. This is reality, welcome back to the title!
Okay, but once again, I am here to give merits to one (or rather two) of my friends who are strong-willed and courageous. Many a times I know and see that they are trying hard to say out things when they know others can't hear clearly what they're saying. I really like their spirit of still willing and wanting to talk and chat (just like everyone else is doing) when their speech is partially impaired by the weakening facial muscles (or rather muscles involved in speech production). I always feel kind of guilty when I can't make out what they say even though I am trying hard to do so. It's sometimes quite frustrating to tell someone things but then decided not to after a few failed attempts. I see it so many times for one of my friends (so I have to apologise that I couldn't hear clearly what you say, here again). But really, none of your should give up chatting/conversing/teaching even though not many can hear what is said. And, neither should I, I guess. I just hope it'll stop there (like it will =.=) and I can continue chatting with my friends and singing non-Jay-Chou style (sorry to offend Jay fans here; I also like his songs, okay?).
I guess I talked too much in this post. I probably should have kept my fingers shut tight. LOL. Sadly, I'm those kind of person that likes to spill my own beans (well, not totally) and blog my heart out.
People who are visiting this blog, please tag. Don't make me feel so depressed with nobody here... Anyway, who is Anon? Please state your name. Thanks. Haha... Anthony, I'm sorry I kept forgeting to link you (I'll do it when I'm a little bit more free).
Now and forever etched 5:07 PM
